Post by AFireInTheSnow on May 28, 2010 9:59:55 GMT -5
Just so that the actual chapters stay visible in their own threads.
My critique is as such.
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Where in an alley? In the middle? At the very back, by a dead end?
Where was the audience of dogs sitting?
Why does the narrator wish to be a human instead of a dog [like was asked]?
Where did the other two dogs come from? Did they magically appear or walk in?
What do these two dogs look like?
"LOLed" doesn't work in an actual story, sorry =/ You could say that they laughed, and maybe describe the laughter. Was it loud? Soft? How do laughing dogs sound?
Are they still in the alley when the truck shows up?
Where does it drive up from?
What do the men look like? Long hair, short hair, muscly, scrawny, slightly overweight? What are they wearing?
Why is Jimmy shaking?
Hmm.... Has anything happened? Have the men moved the dogs somehow? Are they staring at the dogs, wondering why they're barking? Are they talking quietly amongst themselves, and are annoyed by the barking from Jared and his brothers?
What was the experiment supposed to be or do?
How long has the truck been moving?
What caused the dog fight man to speak originally and introduce himself?
How do the dogs look to the men? If they're "too weak" does that mean they are scrawny and smallish, or just not big enough to seem strong?
Who is this sister, and how will she make the dogs tough?
My critique is as such.
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****************************CHAPTER 1***********************************
I sat in an a alley "I don't want this body,I want a body like that" I said as I pointed with my nose to a creature as it walked past. It had a short nose, hands and most importantly, thumbs. My audience would call it an upright, i call it a human."Why would you want that?" asked a member of my audience " You have a snout, four legs, sharp teeth, a long tongue and a tail, what more could you want?"
My audience consisted of dogs.
I was a dog.
I sat in an a alley "I don't want this body,I want a body like that" I said as I pointed with my nose to a creature as it walked past. It had a short nose, hands and most importantly, thumbs. My audience would call it an upright, i call it a human."Why would you want that?" asked a member of my audience " You have a snout, four legs, sharp teeth, a long tongue and a tail, what more could you want?"
My audience consisted of dogs.
I was a dog.
Where in an alley? In the middle? At the very back, by a dead end?
Where was the audience of dogs sitting?
Why does the narrator wish to be a human instead of a dog [like was asked]?
******************CHAPTER 2 *************************
"Where were you bro?" My brother Jack asked. " Telling dogs are story?" Asked my other brother Jimmy. " Yah, this group only let me say i want to be human." " Jared Spencer Hill, I told you to stop trying to tell them. They won't believe you." Jack replied. " Yes Mom." Me and Jimmy LOLed at my little jock.
"Where were you bro?" My brother Jack asked. " Telling dogs are story?" Asked my other brother Jimmy. " Yah, this group only let me say i want to be human." " Jared Spencer Hill, I told you to stop trying to tell them. They won't believe you." Jack replied. " Yes Mom." Me and Jimmy LOLed at my little jock.
Where did the other two dogs come from? Did they magically appear or walk in?
What do these two dogs look like?
"LOLed" doesn't work in an actual story, sorry =/ You could say that they laughed, and maybe describe the laughter. Was it loud? Soft? How do laughing dogs sound?
***********************CHAPTER 3**************************
Me, Jack and Jimmy were talking, when a big truck drove up. "Hi, I'm Jared and these are my brothers Jack and Jimmy." I said when two men stepped out. " There barking, there must be mean dogs." said one " then lets take them to the dog fights" said the other. Jimmy stared shaking " Ok, you can tell them are story." said Jack.
Me, Jack and Jimmy were talking, when a big truck drove up. "Hi, I'm Jared and these are my brothers Jack and Jimmy." I said when two men stepped out. " There barking, there must be mean dogs." said one " then lets take them to the dog fights" said the other. Jimmy stared shaking " Ok, you can tell them are story." said Jack.
Are they still in the alley when the truck shows up?
Where does it drive up from?
What do the men look like? Long hair, short hair, muscly, scrawny, slightly overweight? What are they wearing?
Why is Jimmy shaking?
***************************CHAPTER 4****************************
"I am the world famous Jared Hills, Teen Scientist. Me and my brothers Jack and Jimmy, got turned in to dogs.Me and Jack were working in my lab, just as Jimmy was bring as drinks are project exploded, it turned us into to dogs!" " SHUT UP MUTTS!!" yelled the 2ed man
"I am the world famous Jared Hills, Teen Scientist. Me and my brothers Jack and Jimmy, got turned in to dogs.Me and Jack were working in my lab, just as Jimmy was bring as drinks are project exploded, it turned us into to dogs!" " SHUT UP MUTTS!!" yelled the 2ed man
Hmm.... Has anything happened? Have the men moved the dogs somehow? Are they staring at the dogs, wondering why they're barking? Are they talking quietly amongst themselves, and are annoyed by the barking from Jared and his brothers?
What was the experiment supposed to be or do?
**********************Chapter 5************************
When the truck stopped the men lead us out. The owner of the dog fights was waiting for us.When the Dog fights man said his name was Joe. The truck men said they were Larry and Harry. Larry showed us to Joe. "Too weak" said Joe "bring them back when there tougher." Harry put us back in the truck." We could take them to my sister" offered Harry "will she make them tough?" Asked Larry "i think" Harry said
When the truck stopped the men lead us out. The owner of the dog fights was waiting for us.When the Dog fights man said his name was Joe. The truck men said they were Larry and Harry. Larry showed us to Joe. "Too weak" said Joe "bring them back when there tougher." Harry put us back in the truck." We could take them to my sister" offered Harry "will she make them tough?" Asked Larry "i think" Harry said
How long has the truck been moving?
What caused the dog fight man to speak originally and introduce himself?
How do the dogs look to the men? If they're "too weak" does that mean they are scrawny and smallish, or just not big enough to seem strong?
Who is this sister, and how will she make the dogs tough?
